“I Didn’t Want to Live Anymore”: Billy Joel Shares Harrowing Story in New HBO Doc
Billy Joel has always worn his heart on his piano keys, but in the new HBO documentary Billy Joel: And So It Goes, the iconic singer-songwriter pulls back the curtain on one of the darkest periods of his life. Premiering this week at the Tribeca Film Festival, the two-part series dives into Joel’s early career, including a suicide attempt that left him in a coma—and the emotional chaos that triggered it.
Before becoming the “Piano Man,” Joel was one-half of a heavy-metal-influenced duo named Attila, formed with drummer and close friend Jon Small. They shared more than music—Joel was living with Small, his wife Elizabeth Weber, and their child. Things took a sharp and tragic turn when Joel fell in love with Weber, setting off a chain reaction that would nearly cost him everything.
“I felt very, very guilty about it,” Joel admits in the documentary. “They had a child. I felt like a homewrecker.” After confessing to Small, the fallout was immediate: Attila broke up, Joel was thrown out of the house, and he spiraled into depression, developing a drinking problem and battling homelessness.
“I was depressed I think to the point of almost being psychotic,” Joel recalls. “So I figured, ‘That’s it. I don’t want to live anymore.’”
His first suicide attempt—an overdose of sleeping pills—put him in a coma for several days. But after being released, he tried again, this time ingesting lemon Pledge. It was Small, the man he had betrayed, who took him to the hospital and ultimately saved his life.
“Even though our friendship was blowing up, Jon saved my life,” Joel says. Small later added, “The only practical answer I can give as to why Billy took it so hard was because he loved me that much and that it killed him to hurt me that much.”
Joel’s revelation came after a stay in a psychiatric ward. “I thought to myself, you can utilize all those emotions to channel that stuff into music.” And he did—his 1971 solo debut Cold Spring Harbor featured the haunting “Tomorrow is Today,” inspired by that near-fatal period.
Billy Joel and Elizabeth Weber would eventually marry in 1973, though the union ended in 1982. As for Jon Small, forgiveness prevailed.
Billy Joel: And So It Goes will premiere on HBO this July, with an official air date still to be announced. The deeply personal documentary comes on the heels of Joel’s recent cancellation of tour dates due to a newly revealed brain disorder diagnosis, making this introspective look at his life feel all the more poignant.
